


I Swear

by orphan_account



Series: The Sevasey Collection [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Married Couple, Married Life, Molly's (Chicago Fire), Mourning, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28734285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Three months after Shay was killed on the job, Severide and Casey put their marriage to the test as they learn how to grieve with the loss of their best friend.Word count: 2,293 words.TAGS LAST UPDATED: 02/23/21
Relationships: Kelly Severide & Leslie Shay, Matthew Casey & Leslie Shay, Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: The Sevasey Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106573
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	I Swear

**4:03 a.m.**

Casey stared at the clock on his and Severide's bedside table. Kelly still wasn't home. The blonde scrubbed a rough hand over his face, exhaling hard. His heart was pounding with anxiety. Kelly's never been this late - his latest being home ever, since Shay died, had been two in the morning. This was a record. And Matt wasn't enjoying it, either. 

He shuffled his feet along the cold hardwood floor, entering the dark kitchen, pouring himself a glass of tap-water. He drank it slowly, nearly dropping the glass altogether once he heard the door opening. He slammed the glass in the sink, turning around, crossing his arms as Kelly entered the apartment. He stunk of alcohol. 

Severide locked the door, nearly jumping out of his skin once he turned around and saw Matt. "Hey." He slurred. "Good mornin'." 

"You find this amusing?" Casey asked, his tone cold. 

Kelly sighed, "Let's not start, Case. It's late. Let's just go to bed." He said, nearly falling over his own feet as he took a mere step forward. Casey scoffed, turning on his heel, and stormed to their bedroom. He angrily got into bed, yanking the duvet over his head. 

He was exhausted - not from the late hour, but from the last three months. Night after night, Kelly got wasted. They fought, and sometimes, Matt slept on the couch because it was too tense to share a bed with the man he was sometimes so angry with. The blonde man knew how hard this was on Kelly, but it was hard on him too. He wanted to lean on his husband, and he wanted Kelly to do the same. They were married and living together, but grieving totally separately from one another. 

It hurt. 

There was a thud in the bathroom, and a groan from Severide. Matt sighed, knowing Kelly had fallen or something, in his drunken state. He heaved himself out of bed, his limbs heavy, and made his way to the restroom. "Kel? You okay?" 

"Fine." The silver-haired man huffed, hauling himself off of the cold tiled floor. Casey sighed, "Kelly.. Just- Here, let me help you -" He started, moving forward to help his spouse change out of his clothes, but Kelly slapped Matt's arms away. "I said I'm fine! I can do it myself!" 

"God damn you, Kelly!" Matt retorted, throwing his hands up. "I'm so sick of this, Kel! I'm sick of you coming home like this night after night, falling all over the place, barely able to stand up straight!" He said, breathing hard. He felt it; all that had been pent up in the last three months was threatening to spill from his lips. He was fed up. 

The squad lieutenant, trying to prove his point, began undressing -and was struggling to do so- from his clothes, about to change into some sweats to sleep in. But he lost his balance, falling against the wall with a thud. 

"Son of a bitch!" He cursed, trying to heave himself onto his feet once again. Matt sighed, rubbing both hands over his eyes, "Just let me help you, you stubborn fuck." He said quietly, reaching out his hands for Kelly to take, so he could pull his husband to his feet. "I said I can do it myself." Severide growled, ignoring Matt's hands, and shakily standing up on his own. 

Casey sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut. "Kelly, what're we doing?" He asked, his voice emitting the defeat he'd been feeling for weeks. "We're married, but living two totally independent lives. You're in your world, and I'm in mine. I can't live like this, I can't do it anymore." 

Kelly just stared at the blonde, mouth agape. He blinked, "Are.. Are you saying you- you want a divorce?" 

"No!" Matt snapped. He slammed his fist against the wall, "No!! I want our marriage back; I want  _ my husband  _ back, Kelly!" And finally, he broke down. A sob ripped through his body, his back sliding down the wall, his hands finding their way into his hair, pulling in frustration. "I can't do this on my own anymore! I need you, I need us!!" He yelled, tears tracking down his cheeks. 

"I know you're hurting, Kel - but I lost Shay too!!" He cried out, his voice breaking. He hugged his knees to his chest, feeling as though he couldn't get enough oxygen in that moment. Where did it all go wrong? Where did he lose Kelly, where did their love stop becoming enough for his husband - why wasn't he good enough for Severide to lean on anymore? 

The silver-haired man just stared, tears in his own eyes. He knew Matt was hurting, because of him, and because of the pain of losing Shay. But he didn't know how to be there to support the blonde, when he couldn't even support himself anymore. 

They sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Kelly’s eyes forward, staring into nothing, lost in his own head. Matt’s sobbing ceased, now silent tears just rolled down his cheeks every few minutes, as he too stared into nothingness. And finally, Kelly’s voice broke the silence:

“Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and for the whole day, I just.. I feel like nothing’s real. I don’t even feel like I’m awake, or alive. I feel like I’m just a dead man walking, just going through the motions, trying to get through another day.”

Matt’s eyes focused on his husband’s blank expression. It was like he hadn’t even spoken; his face gave away no emotion. He just looked … dead. 

The blonde Captain wiped his eyes, leaning the back of his head against the bathroom wall, “I know what you mean,” he said quietly, his voice as emotionless as Severide’s expression. “I can’t even remember her funeral. It was like I was never there; the memories are just a blur of arms reaching towards me to hug me, voices telling me how sorry they are - but how can they be truly sorry when half of them never even knew Shay the way we did? How can they know how it feels to lose a part of me that made me who I am? Everything I am right now is because of Shay, and you. And, it.. it feels like I lost you both, and now I don't know who I'm supposed to be." 

Slowly, Kelly turned his head, his eyes finding their way to Matt's. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. His shoulders shook as he let out a gut-wrenching sob - he sounded like a wounded animal. There was so much pain in his cries. "Matty, I'm lost." He said, his words almost lost in his sobbing, but Casey had heard him. He shook his head, sliding towards Kelly, wrapping the man in his shaky arms, "I'm right here, Kel. You're not lost, sweetheart. I'm right here, I've got you. You're here, you're okay. We're going to get through this - but you need to let me help you. And you gotta help me, too. I can't -" 

Casey's voice shuddered to a halt, the sob in his chest threatening to escape his lips. He rubbed his face, willing himself to finish; "I can't do this by myself, Kelly. I can't. I've tried, and I've all but fallen apart. I  _ need you  _ Kelly. I need you." 

Kelly's sobs were loud, his chest rattling as each one ripped through him. His heart hurt; it was in pieces, it was broken. He could  _ feel  _ that his heart was broken, and it sent a searing pain through his whole body. "It hurts, Matty." He cried. "It hurts so much. I didn't even get to tell her how much she meant to me, I didn't get to thank her for everything. I didn't get to -" 

"Kelly." Matt said, shushing the man softly. "Kelly, baby, she knows.. She knows, I can promise you that." He said softly, combing his fingers gently through his husband's short strands of hair. "Shh.." He whispered, shutting his eyes as quiet sobs escaped him. Kelly buried his head in Matt’s neck, “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice shaky. “I’m so sorry, I left you here to deal with this on your own, because I didn’t know how to help you deal with it - I didn’t even know how to deal with it myself, I didn’t think I could help you.” 

Matt sighed, not replying. He didn’t know how to respond, much less didn’t know if he had the strength to respond. He just remained silent, his arms wrapped tightly around his husband, Kelly’s arms around him just as tightly. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” Severide whispered. “It still doesn’t even feel real. I still feel like if I look over my shoulder quick enough, she’ll be there. She’ll still be there..” 

The blonde Captain shook his head, pressing a kiss to Kelly’s head, “Kel don’t do that to yourself.” He said quietly, wiping his cheeks. “She’s here, but in a different way; we can’t see her, but she’s here. She’ll be here always, and I know she’d be disappointed to know how we’ve been getting on since…” He trailed off, still unable to say that Shay is dead out loud. Severide sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face, sitting up straight. “I know,” he said. “She’d kick my ass if she saw me now.” 

Matt nodded, because he knew it was true. Shay would even kick his ass, for not trying harder to keep Kelly in line. He sighed at the thought, turning Kelly's face with his fingers so the man could look at him. Kelly's eyes watered heavily, he shut his eyes, face crumpling. "I'm sorry." He gasped, shoulders trembling as another quiet sob shook him. The blonde shook his head, "Kelly.. Shh, please, look at me, sweetheart.." 

The squad lieutenant hid his face in his palms, shaking his head. Matt crooned, wrapping his arms tightly around his man, shushing softly in his ear. "Kelly.. Please, baby, let me help you." He pleaded quietly, stroking the back of Severide's neck. 

"Promise me I won't lose you too." He keened, starting to rock himself as something on the borderline of a panic-attack set in. "Kelly, hey. Kelly, baby, breathe. Breathe, sweetheart. Come on, deep breaths; in for four, out for five, come on.." Matt urged, starting to deep-breathe with his husband, squeezing his shaky hand. 

Slowly, he improved, his breathing returning to a normal pace, before he slowly lifted his gaze to meet Matt's. The blonde smiled, rubbing Kelly's jaw softly with his thumb. "You're okay.." He whispered, leaning their foreheads together - which always calmed Kelly down when he got in this state. 

"I'm sorry.." The silver-haired man said quietly, his voice strained. "I'm sorry I've been acting the way I have - I'm sorry I left you here alone to deal with everything yourself. I buried myself in bottle after bottle of whatever alcohol I could get, hoping I could just numb the pain for a moment. I would’ve done anything to make it go away for just a second. But I left you, Matt.. And I'm so sorry." 

The fifty-one Captain wiped his cheeks -because somewhere in Kelly's little speech, he'd started crying again- and kissed his husband's lips, with a feather-light touch. He interlocked his fingers in Kelly's, giving the man a small small that spoke volumes on his exhaustion from the past few months, squeezing his husband's hand firmly. "I love you Kelly.. We'll get through this. I swear.." 

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


Eventually, the two men made their way to their room -at roughly 6a.m., but it was fine, because they were off shift tomorrow- and crawled into bed together, their eyes locked on each other the whole time. 

"You've saved me every day since we met, Matt." Kelly said softly, his voice full of love for his blonde. 

"You've saved me right back." Matt whispered, caressing Kelly's cheekbone softly, fingers trailing down to his jaw, rubbing softly at the bit of scruff that was there, due to Kelly neglecting his facial up-keep, because of the depressed state he'd been in since Shay had left her place on Earth. 

Kelly leaned forward, joining their lips in a tender kiss. Matt smiled against Kelly's lips, pulling the man closer, wanting to feel him, chest-to-chest. He missed this; their closeness, their passion, their love for one another. He missed having Kelly right next to him, in his arms. Where he belonged. 

Fifty-one's Captain pulled away for a moment, joining their hands between both their bodies, "I love you Kelly. And I'm sorry I didn't fight harder to help you out of the dark hole you'd fallen into these past months. I'm never going to give up on you like that again.. I'm with you - for better or worse, sweetheart." 

The squad lieutenant smiled softly at the words, squeezing Matt's hands before he replied, his voice soft and loving; "I'm with you too, Matty - better or worse. Forever and always.." 

"I know.." Matt whispered, returning the adoring smile towards his husband. "We should get some sleep.. And tomorrow, I'll make you something special for breakfast, and we can eat together." He murmured, his eyes feeling heavy. Kelly smiled, looking at Matt with puppy-eyes, "French toast and bacon..?" He asked, sticking out his lip in a mock-pout. Casey chuckled, "Whatever you want, Kel. Good night, sweetheart." He said, kissing his husband's lips gently, snuggling down comfortably beneath their duvet, head against the soft pillow. 

"Good night, Matty.." Kelly whispered in reply, wrapping his man in his arms, kissing Casey's forehead before they both closed their eyes, quickly drifting off to sleep in their exhaustion. 

  
  
  
  


**_FIN._ **

**Author's Note:**

> what started out to be the continuation in my Oneshots collection, ended up being its own separate work. 
> 
> i didn't feel like including this in my Oneshots book, b/c this was something i wrote as a way to vent my feelings about coping with the loss of a friend - i lost someone i knew to covid a little while ago, and it's been hard to cope with it. i also wrote this in the middle of the night, while i was up since two in the morning with my dog who's got some kind of stomach bug, i'm guessing (she's been throwing up, and refusing to eat, and acting really lethargic). 
> 
> leave a comment letting me know what you thought. :) as always, you guys and your support means the world to me. you're all so amazing.<3


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